The Behavior

·        You’re shopping at a store with your child.  She wants you to buy her a toy or something else she desires and you answer no.  She begins to whine and complain.

1.  Other kids’ parents buy them toys/clothes.  I’ll be the 

     only kid who doesn’t have one.”

2.  “You never buy me anything that I like!”

·        You ask your child to turn off the television or computer game and get ready for dinner. The child responds by complaining and/or whining to you.

1.  “I can’t quit now!  I’m almost done and its taken me

     this long to get here.”

2.  “Mom, my favorite TV show is on.  It’ll be over in a

     few more minutes.  I just have to see it!”

·        You tell your child it’s time to do homework, take out the trash, do chores, etc. and the child complains or whines.

1.  “It’s not fair!  I never get to do what I want to do.”

2.  “None of my friends have to do this!”

Parent Thinking, Feeling and/or Response

·        “She’s such an ungrateful child.  After all I do for her; all she does is whine for more.  She must think I’m a bank or money grows on trees!”

·        “I ask you to do a simple little thing and all you do is complain!  Can’t you think of anybody besides yourself?”

·        “Can’t you do something for once without complaining?  I’m sick and tired of putting up with your mouth!”

·        “My child never listens.  Just once I’d like to ask him to do something and he’ll do it without a struggle.”

·        “I feel disrespected, unappreciated and fed up!”

Developmental Discussion

            By the time a child is 18 months old, he has the ability to “come”, “sit”, “stop” and “go?”  How come your child doesn’t follow simple directions?  For one thing, he may not have been taught to do so.  Parents, who spend time training their toddlers to listen, generally don’t run into these problems when the children grow older.  They’ve already been trained to listen and obey.  If your child isn’t listening to you and complains, he may be stuck developmentally.  He’s letting you know he’s not big enough and strong enough to take “no” for an answer and to leave an activity without a struggle.  Perhaps he hasn’t developed the ability to delay gratification.  The unconscious thought might be,”If I leave what I’m doing, it won’t be here when I return so I’ll have to stay with it.  If my mom makes me stop, I may lose it forever!”  This is also one of the reasons children don’t want to stop what they’re doing to do chores, homework, etc.

            Another reason for the complaining and whining comes from the dance between parent and child.  They may have a pattern of going to the store and the child begins to whine and complain.  The child has learned from experience that if she complains or whines loud enough, her parents will get upset, concerned about what other people will think.  They’ll buy her what she wants to shut her up.  If they decide they don’t want to do this anymore, and they tell her “no”, the next time they go to the store, the child will up the ante.  She will raise her voice and energy and keep it up until she wears the parent down or the parent leaves the store. 

            Anytime you decide to change your parenting pattern, the child will fight you.  You’ve changed the rules and that’s not fair!  If your child’s behavior becomes worse as a result of your taking a stand; congratulations!  That means your behavior change is actually working.  The child is going to fight you to see if you’re really serious.  Are you really bigger and stronger than your child?  Can you maintain your cool and not give in to the complaining tactics?